Oliver Twisted - The LATimes reports that Iran-Contra figure, Fox News host and wanna-be Virginia senator, Ollie North, will not be attending Reagan's funeral because he doesn't want all the attention to shift to himself. The born-again cold warrior isn't concerned though: "I certainly spent plenty of time with him in the past and I know I'll be with him in the future…. Those of us who know where we are going, and know why we are going there, have no doubt that he is now in that shining city on a hill." Unlike Reagan, North doesn't mean America. Let's hope they get reunited soon.

Also, just so the record's "straight," Ollie North had nothing to do with the production of the new gay-themed flick Twist, a queer update of the Dickens classic set in the hustler district of modern-day Toronto.