Exhaust Pipe Dreams - There is a shocking epidemic among our celebrities, America! We need to ascertain the root cause of this terrible problem before it starts affecting less highly evolved people. I mean, I know plenty of people who work hard at their careers, and are committed to climbing the ladder to success. I, myself, tend to be a slacker and procrastinator, but I have many Type A colleagues and friends. By why is it that only people like Mariah Carey, Vincent D'Onofrio and Brandy suffer from the malady of exhaustion?

The latest sufferer is none other than young Lindsay Lohan. I'm sure it's very stressful to be in a bloodfeud with Hillary Duff, shooting Herbie: Fully Loaded, and recording a debut album simultaneously. In fact, Lindsay told Jane she was "overtired and working myself to death." (terrifying sweeps-style News at 11 emphasis mine) "When you're young, you think you can just keep going and going." But ya can't Lindsay, you just can't. Jennifer Lopez, your multi-tasking and multiple weddings are gonna get you hospitalized for exhaustion next. Celebrities of America, heed my caution! I don't want to have to be up nights worrying about you all! It'll lead to exhaustion of my own! Hmm...but would that make me a celebrity in my own right...

UPDATE - American Idol Ruben Studdard is exhausted too.